Insert Spiffy Parody Title HERE
by ichigoxringo
Summary: For the sake of those who hate Twilight. I have successfully managed to bash it, while still entertaining it's fans! Like we still need that, though.
1. Reason, Warning, Intro, Oh my!

**Authors Note:**

Okay. Some people are stupid. In their stupidity, they write stupid fanfictions. It is my job to poke fun at these people and their fanfictions. But before I begin, here are some of the things I'd like to point out: Vampires can NOT have babies; they lack internal fluids in their organs, which are fairly important in the reproductive process. Vampires do NOT drink werewolf blood if they had a choice; the scent is too repulsive, so, even if a werewolf is bleeding, they wouldn't bother. EDWARD PROMISED NOT TO LEAVE. Imprinting takes place after werewolves phase for the first time, and meets their imprint. If a werewolf has phased for the first time but did not see the person they are to imprint, they will NEVER imprint. It is not something that can be forced, either. Jacob did NOT (sadly) imprint on Bella. Rosalie and Jasper are NOT really twins. None of the Cullen's are blood-related (no pun intended). Newborn vampires cannot resist/find it extremely difficult to resist human blood, and are stronger than regular vampires. Newborns eyes are red for a year or so, and stay that way unless they feast on animals, in which case they turn gold. The transformation from human to vampire takes at LEAST 3 days. Once bitten, the change is irreversible, unless the venom is sucked out.

Like I said, some people are stupid. They make fanfictions that completely ignore these facts. Example: "Edward changes Bella, then he leaves and she gets pregnant." Nothing is more stupid than this. Someone reviewed a fiction of mine like this, and I'm QUOTING:

"Big thing here! THERE IS BLOOD, AND VAMPIRES WATCHING HIM GET FIXED UP... DON'T THINK ANY OF THEM ARE GOING TO GO FOR IT, OR AT LEAST LOOK LIKE THEY WANT TO BITE HIM?!?!  
4/5, I'd love to give you a 2 for having Jake as the main character, but you wrote it well."

Now, as I pointed out, vampires do not drink werewolf blood. Again: The scent is repulsive. If anything, they'd look disgusted. Second thing: READ DISCRIPTIONS FOR STORIES. The description in the story clearly stated it was a JacobxBella fanfiction. I should know, I wrote it. If it is a JacobxBella story, I would assume Jacob would be a pretty main character. So, as you can see, the person who reviewed this tried to act smart, and, in the end, was filed under my "stupid" category.

**KEEP THIS IN MIND**: I am a very rude and spiteful person. I DO realize this and try hard not to be. (The first step to recovery is knowledge.) However, because I am rude and nasty and spiteful, and you just happen to say something to me that strikes me as stupid, you _will_ be humiliated by potentially everyone with internet access.

Thank you for reading my long-ass authors note, so now I shall put the disclaimer for my parody.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Twilight.

**Warning: **Read at your own risk. Chances are, some things might not make sense because some things are inside jokes, but you'll laugh anyway because YOU want to feel special…Also, this will probably reach High School Musical corniness level and/or make fun of itself/High School Musical/slash other things THIS narrator does not like.

**Preface:**

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there was a small planet, Earth. On this planet, there was a continent; in this continent, a country; in this country, a state; in this state, a town. This town was called Forks…

Forks is home to many a strange thing: Large, damp, forests; teenagers who turn into dogs; a vegetarian vampire family, and one teenage girl who changed all their lives.

(But mostly the forests' lives.)

This is the story of Bella, Edward, and Jacob.

But, with each story, comes a side story. And this extremely unimportant sidestory is what started the madness. The side story, you ask? Well, it's as unimportant as the fact that when this narrarator was 12, she placed a frog on the sidewalk and watched it melt. It's as unimportant as the fact that I know that as you are reading this you are probably not wearing green socks with little frogs on them. The side story that started it all…Is this:

"How in all the hells did Forks get its name?!"

Another possible sidestory would be:

"What the -child censor- happened to Jacob's mother?!"

Or perhaps:

"Does this make me look pregnant?"

Or maybe even:

"Let's toss Sam into an ocean during a storm and see what happens!"

These were all possibilities, but, turned down.


	2. Chapter 2

**Authors Note (Disney Censors, Steven Strait, and Beastality)**: Steven Strait is a beast. He is a sexy BEAST. The reason I say this is because Stephenie Meyer had said that in Sky High he looked just like Jacob. Because I am a curious individual, I scampered ABC family and watched the beginning and ending of the movie. He was BEASTLY. And he could emit fire from his palms. Not that he can do that in real life (Well, who knows, maybe he can…) but –Disney censor- it was cool. Yeah. I'll be using Disney Censors. My friend has a buzz button, she calls it "The Disney Censor," so whenever someone (cough me cough) says a bad word, she pushes the button. My point: Steven Strait was beastly in Sky High, so I want you all to go to blockbuster and rent it. He looked exactly like my inner-Jacob. If he looks like your inner-Jacob, please review and let me know.

**Killing off Characters, Disney Censor-ship, and Edward leaving. Again. AGAIN!**

"How in all the hells did Forks get its name?!" Bella asked randomly. Bella, Edward, Jacob, and Sam were watching the Discovery Channel in Bella's small living room. Mike Newton was in the kitchen making sandwiches.

"Well, actually…" Jake began. "….That's a damn good question."

"Did somebody ask for a fork?!" Mike asked, jolting out of the kitchen.

"No, Mike. Now, go back to making our sandwiches. And, Mike?" Edward asked.

"Yeah? What do you want Edward?! I'll do anything. Anything at all, just ask!" Mike had been jealous of Bella all this time, because he secretly had a crush on Edward. He just recently came out of the closet with his homosexuality. His parents were astonished.

"Take off the domino mask and bath towel, please." Edward sighed as he turned his attention back to the mating patterns of the arctic wolf.

"He's a couple of French fries short of a Happy Meal, that Mike, isn't he?" Jacob said.

Everyone nodded in agreement.

"Anyway…" Bella said. "Anyone? I mean, Forks, what kinda name is that anyway?"

"Well, my dear Bella, I do believe it got its name for the forks in the Quillayute River, Bogachiel River, Calawah River, and the Sol Duc River." Everyone stared, dumbfounded, at Edward for his smart remark. It was as Edward showed his profound knowledge; the following could be heard from the kitchen. Mike yelling, "Oh GOD! AHH!" a splatter and the sounds of twitching. But, the twitching stopped.

"I smell blood." Edward said. Jacob twitched and shuddered. "I have a feeling I don't want to know what happened." Edward sighed and walked into the kitchen.

"DEAR JESUS!" He yelled. Bella, curious, followed. "OH MY –Disney censor- GOD!!" Sam sauntered in as well. "My God, WHAT DID HE DO!!?" Jacob shivered. _Okay…_He thought. _Someone might be hurt…He might have mutilated himself...There might be blood. But, I gotta be tough…Oh, damn, I hate being the tough guy…_

Jacob slowly gathered his courage and timidly walked into the kitchen, shaking. Jacob was correct on all three counts. He had mutilated himself. Someone was indeed hurt. And, -child censor- I can't think of a horror movie created yet with so much blood. You see, Mike, whilst cutting the sandwiches, had accidentally cut off both his arms. Lord knows how. The knife was sticking out of his heart—a butcher knife.

"Holy Disney Censors…"

Bell embraced the CLEARLY DEAD BODY.

"Oh, Mitch! Are you okay? How are you feeling? Just…Just nod, please. Please, Mitch!" Bella cried, dramatically.

"His name's MIKE, Bella. Not MITCH. And he's dead. He can't hear you." Jacob said.

"He's DEAD?!?! Ohmigawd! Nowai!"

"Ya wai."

"No wai!"

"Ya wai."

"No. effing. Wai."

After a few more misspellings of the words "No way," and "Yeah way," Jacob finally managed to convince Bella he was indeed dead.

"Oh, Mitch-""Mike." "Mike…You were so sweet. Rest in Peace. And, don't worry, we'll get you a good lawyer." Bella said through tears, while hugging the dead body.

Everyone looked at her like she was a maniac.

"What's a lawyer going to do? He mutilated HIMSELF." Edward asked.

"I don't know…I-I-I just don't know anymore!" She said.

"Bella, honey…Are you feeling well?" Jacob inquired.

"Yeah, why do you ask?"

"…..No reason…he he…" Insert anime-esque sweat drop here.

Finally Edward spoke.

"Bella…You're…You're just too dangerous! You cause way to much trouble, everyone you love dies, and…well…You're stupid. I'm sorry. I'm leaving you. Even though I promised I wouldn't. Please give birth to my half-vampire, half-werewolf babies while I'm gone, 'kay? Sayonara, suckers!" Edward said as he jumped out of the window and flew (even though vampires cannot FLY) out into the night sky.


	3. I Have No Idea! :D

**Authors Note: **I'll stop the world and melt with you, my little reviewers. I finally saw all of Sky High! (Happy dance) I liked 'Save the Citizen.' Anyway, I hope you like my chapter of profound stupidity.

**Sex Parodies, Freakish babies, Labor Day, and Pointless-ness**

"…Edwards' last request was for me to give birth to his half-vampire, half-werewolf babies. I have the vampire part down pat, but where am I going to find a werewolf at this time of the year? It's like trying to find someone who wears white after Labor Day. It's impossible and pointless." Bella said. Jacob shook his head slowly, as he took a seat next to her on the porch step. Then he patted her back and gave her some water.

"Are you positive you're feeling alright, Bella?" Jacob asked.

"Just peachy, why?"

"You're acting more retarded with each passing day."

"Depression. It's depression, my dear Jacob."

"Umm…Well, because you are going through this 'depression,' I shall help you in your quarry. You see, Bella, I am a werewolf."

"No wai."

"Ya wai."

"No wai."

"Ya wai."

"Whoa, major de ja vu, here, man."

"Are you cereal? No wai."

"Ya wai…"

"…So. What now?" Jacob asked.

"Well…I dunno. How are babies made? I always thought the stork brought them, but when Edward said give birth, that just threw me."

"Well, Bella…You must make love to make babies." Jacob said.

"Oh. How do you do that?"

Insert Jacob doing an anime-esque nosebleed here, please.

"Well, actually…" He whispered her how to do it in her ear. "Are you sure you want to?"

"Sure Jakey, hehe." She took his hand and they frolicked to the…Kitchen, WHAT?!?!

**Ringo**: What is wrong with the prompter? Nothing? Oh. Okay…Oh, OH. I get it. Yeah. Uh-huh. Okay. I forgot. I, like, totally spaced out. Thanks for catching that for me. Yeah, mmm, I get it. Okay, guys. I GET IT. I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME. You can stop telling me now. Yeah. Okay. Sorry, Joe. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

Back to the story!

They scampered into the kitchen and after a few hours emerged, sweating and panting like crazy.

"Well, I think we're all done."

"Yes." Bella agreed. The sat down on the table and placed a sandwich on the table.

"Gosh, who would have thought making a love sandwich could be so tiresome?" Jacob asked, and then took a bite out of the monstrous sandwich.

"It's so worth it. I mean, peanut butter, jelling, banana's, and small drops of chocolate all on white bread? What more could you want. Well, now that were done making 'Love,' how am I supposed to give birth to said babies?"

"Hmm…I don't know. Why bother? It's pointless."

"Yeah. You're right. It's pointless. Hey, let's go to the carnival!"

"Okay!"

And the two skipped off.

**Ringo**: Wow. That sucked. It made NO sense. Wtf? Okay, you know what? I won't even bother.


	4. AIM PARODIES YAY!

**Authors Note: **AIM PARODIES!! YAY!! (frolics) OH, I've just been waiting for this. But, but, but…I'm afraid this chapter is going to need more than just an Aim parody. But, you'll see.

Let's Go.

**AIM parodies, Cartoon Heroes, Toybox, the Mall, and Cashmere Sweaters**

**BellatheSuperStar:** Jacob. You there?

**JakeytheCartoonHero:** I am a super star with a big big house and a big big car. I am a super star and I don't care who you are. (Dances)

**BellatheSuperStar:** O.o" Um…Jake?

**JakeytheCartoonHero**: O.o; O shit.

**BellatheSuperStar:** I didn't need to see that. (Is scarred for life) . 

**JakeytheCartoonHero:** I'm so sorry. v.v

**BellatheSuperStar:** Anyway…Um, did you want 2 do sumthin 2day?

**JakeytheCartoonHero:** Sure. What did u hav in mind? Maybe some fresh air will make u feel betr.

**BellatheSuperStar:** Hmm how about the mall?

**JakeytheCartoonHero:** Sure!

**BellatheSuperStar:** Gr8! Wanna come pick me up?

**JakeytheCartoonHero:** Ok, ill be ther in lyk 5 mins.

**BellatheSuperStar:** Yay!

**JakeytheCartoonHero: **We really need to get a hobby and different usernames. v.v

**BellatheSuperStar**: Ya…

**Later that day…**

Jacob pulled into little Bella's driveway and honked the horn. Little Bella came running out, carrying a bundle of bath towels.

"What's with the towels?" Jacob asked, curiously.

"You'll see when we get there." Little Bella responded.

Once they parked and were outside of the car, Bella took out the towels and tied one around her neck, the other around Jake's. Then, she placed a domino mask on both of their faces.

"What's this for?" Jake asked.

"In memory of Mitch."

"You mean Mike?"

"Yeah, him."

"Okay, but why at the mall?"

"He would have wanted it this way."

"…Hmm, yeah, okay."

"Glad you agree, Cartoon Hero."

"Come, superstar, into the mall!" He said as he linked his arm with hers.

Together, they frolicked into the mall.

A child, no more than 7 pointed at them as he and his mother came out of Gap.

"Look, mommy! Superheroes!"

"Now, honey, it's not polite to point. They're not superheroes; they're those 'special' people I told you about. They need to be put in the asylum." His mother said so quietly, no one but the son could hear. That is, besides Jacob. You see, because he is a werewolf he has a magical ability to hear.

"Um, ma'am, I find that rather offensive. I am not mentally challenged, nor is Bella-although I'm not so sure-and you should not go around telling children that when you yourself are not sure. It's really not nice. And, what makes you say I'm _not_ a superhero?"

"How could you have heard me!?"

"Because I **am **a super hero."

"Whoa!" The child said, elated.

"Yes, child. Anything you believe is possible. Nothing is more powerful than the imagination!" Jacob said.

Bella squatted down in front of the child and placed the most innocent, adorable, and genuinely sweet expression on her face.

"That's right, kid. Here you go." She said as she gave a kid a lollipop. The child took it happily and he and his mom walked away, the mother astonished, the child ecstatic.

Bella and Jacob darted around the mall, Jacob humming the Mission Impossible theme, Bella singing all of the songs from the CD "Fantastic" by Toybox.

"Holy Mansex, Wolf man!" Bella exclaimed.

"Did you just say 'Holy mansex?' Wait, what did you call me?" Jacob asked.

"Look, it's Edward!" Bella said, ignoring Jacob and pointing at the cashmere sweater section.

"Oh, my! You're right, Bella!"

"Come, Jacob, we must rescue him from a sweater-y-death!"

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	5. My least favorite things

Okay, I'm kinda sorta pissed today.  
Wanna guess why?  
It's all the bashing I've been seein' lately.  
Particularly Jacob-bashing  
I only have one thing to say about this: WTF?  
Let me elaborate: Not only have I been seeing character bashing in comments and posts, but also in various art forms and fanfiction. It's really annoying, guys.  
Do you seriously despise a FICTIONAL CHARACTER so much that you feel the need to draw images, write fanfiction SCUM, and give rather annoying/upsetting/disturbing comments and criticism about another's work?

And, the thing is, half of the bashing is completely illogical. Example: "OMG, I haaaaaaaateee Jacob Black because he loves Bella." Seriously? Is that the only reason you don't like him? I mean, come on. Can't you think of a better reason to dislike a character? Like, maybe, "Oh, my gosh, I dislike Jacob Black because he did this."  
Let's look at it from a realistic stand point: Say you have a best friend. His name is Emilio. Let's say your name is Camille. Now, Camille, you have a boyfriend named Alberto Mario. You love him more than you've ever loved anyone in this way before. Now, let's say that you've known Emilio since you were kids. You've watched him grow up to be a pretty handsome guy. Let's say he's been in love with you since forever and you've kinda always known. Camille, will you stop hanging out with Emilio and despise him because you love Alberto Mario? No. You wouldn't. Why?  
Because Emilio is your best friend.  
Now, tell me, guys: Do YOU dislike Emilio? No.  
Whatever happened to the whole "root for the underdog" thing?

Now, it's not just bashing that's been getting on my nerves. It's also fangirlism.  
Now, I'm not saying that being a fangirl and rooting for your bishie is a bad thing. It's just; I've been seein' a lot of "OMG, Edward Cullen is SOOOOO incredibly hot!!!" Um, hello? He's not real. Meaning: you have no idea WHAT the fuck he looks like. A description in a book will tell you NOTHING. He may be nice looking for Bella, but does that make him nice looking to everyone? Some people like Brad Pitt, some people like Ashton Kutcher.  
I know the book says that vampires are beautiful to everyone, but how can you say he's handsome when you've never even seen him? Think of something more creative.  
Example: "I really do like Edward Cullen because he's so caring and sweet, and he really loves Bella. He loves her so much he'd rather her live than die! It's soooo romantic."  
Do something like that more often and maybe I won't try to kill my self. 

So, guys, wanna stop spamming everything with your bullshit, lame, annoying, "OMC LIKE HES SO HAWT!!!!1!!111one!!!" "OMG, DIE BITCH! I HATTTE JACOB! pulls out blowtorch and knives" comments, fanfiction, and arguments. And if you don't, at least use literacy so I have one less reason to murder you.  
We really don't need to start WWIII over FICTIONAL CHARACTERS.  
And, to all you authors of "The Day Crazed Fan girls Tortured and Killed [insert character here," GIVE IT A FUCKING REST. NO ONE LIKES YOU. IF YOU KEEP IT UP, I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND GIVE YOU A NICE, INFORMATIONAL, AND POLITE LECTURE OF GOD DAMN INTERNET ETIQUITE.

So remember kids: literacy, politeness, and anti-bashings make Maddie (Ringo…Call me either. Which ever you prefer) really proud and happy and warm and fuzzy. 

xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

Previously, on _the Adventures of Isabella and Jacob: The Rise of the Cashmere Sweaters_:

"WHERE'S THE VAN?!?! THE VAN WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!!!"

"Ah! He shot my leg!"

"No, Cameron Diaz! They've got Cameron Diaz!"

"Holy Mansex! Flying monkeys! No one told me there'd be flying monkeys!"

xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

"I think the narrators lost it," Jacob said, looking to Bella. She nodded.

"I don't remember any of that."

"Just shut up and continue," the narrator's voice interjected.

"Okay, Okay, fine. Sheesh."

"Where were we? Oh, yeah: Come, Jacob, we must rescue him from a sweater-y death!"

Jacob looked at her.

"Do we have to? I mean, he just gives off this whole evil aura. And, besides, we haven't even hit the food court. Can't we stop at Burger King for, like, five seconds? I really want a Whopper. Oh, and some Chicken fries would be nice, too." The thought of food caused Jacob to salivate. He rubbed his stomach and continued dreaming about fresh, all white-meat chicken dipped in honey mustard in his stomach.

"And you call me crazy?" Bella grabbed his hand and attempted to drag him to GAP. He didn't move until he started walking himself.

All of a sudden, Edward, who was only a mere ten feet from them now, turned around and barred his non-existent fangs. Jacob followed suite.

While the two growled at each other while showing off their rather large orthodontic appendages, Bella noticed something: Edward was wearing Mitch's--Mike's--Mike's mask!

"Edward…Where'd you get that mask?" She asked.

Edward turned his attention to the delicious and petite mortal. "Well, Bella…I believe I stole it from the corpse of Mike."

"You mean Mitch?"

Jacob turned. "No, Bella, his name is Mike. I thought I told you this already."

"Oh.."

"Yes. And, now that I think of it, I never did tell you how he perished."

"I saw him! He maimed himself!"

"Aha, no. You merely thought that was it."

FLASHBACK! (Edward will take over the narration for the flashback.)

You see, while he was cutting the sandwiches, He merely cut of his finger. That is the twitching that you had heard.

_I smell blood." Edward said. Jacob twitched and shuddered. "I have a feeling I don't want to know what happened." Edward sighed and walked into the kitchen._

"_DEAR JESUS!" He yelled. _

Before Bella had come in, I stole the knife and cut of his arms. Then, I stuck it into his heart.

"_What's a lawyer going to do? He mutilated HIMSELF." Edward asked._

END FLASHBACK!! (Back to Ringo-Narration. Because I know you guys like me better. [Vague "boo"'s can be heard in the background)

"He had not mutilated himself…" Edward began. "I just knew you fools would be stupid enough to believe me.

"YOU MONSTER!" Bella cried.


	6. You guys make a cameo in this chappie!

**Authors Note: **Hey, guys. Remember how earlier in my story, in the first chapter, I mentioned how spiteful and rude I am? Well, I have someone to be spiteful and rude to today. You chose the wrong day to piss me off, **NLAOTIC Psychotic**. Do you care to know WHY? Today is my little sister's birthday. Care to know why I'm fucking upset and rather pissed already? MY LITTLE SISTER IS DEAD. She died of blood cancer, FYI. When we got back from visiting her grave I got your little review. You know, I can stand being called a hypocrite. I can stand being called anything, really. 'Cause, you know, big whoop. It's the INTERNET. Dissing people via internet is STUPID. It's my fic, I can be a hypocrite if I FUCKING WANT. And you know, if you're sick of my rants, get used to it, cause, in case you haven't noticed, THE ENTIRE FIC IS A RANT! It was based on my rants and bashings of other stories. I figured I should find a way to vent my anger. I chose to do it via fanfiction. I have major anger issues and one HECK of an explosive temper. I don't need your bullshit mixed in with my ALREADY TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD DAY. **If you don't like my shit, don't read it.**

SIMPLE AS THAT.

If anyone else has something they want to say to me, go right _fucking_ ahead. I don't care if no one reads my stories anymore.

_Pardon my French._

That takes care of my –child censor- _-ing_ rant.

xXxXxXx8888888888888888888888xXxXxXx

**CaPiTuLo SeIs: El Hombre-lobo.**

(Chapter Six: The Werewolf) Which has nothing to do with the story, probably.

Featuring: Jake, Bella, Edward, Steven Strait, Kristen Stewart, Gaspard Ulliel, The Reviewers (except the above mentioned), Remus Lupin and Sirius Black, and even me, Ringo! This is true!

"HOW COULD YOU?!" Jacob cried.

"I'm mad at the world, baby!" Edward hollered.

"Couldn't you possibly vent you anger another way? Perhaps fanfiction, like our narrator, Ringo?" Bella suggested.

"Nah. I mean, what's the point of making a fanfic of your life?"

"True dat," Souljah Boy said, appearing outta nowhere. Then, he Souljah Boy-ed it out of there. Hordes of rapper-fangirls followed after him, shrieking his name and tossing various parts of their clothing at him. (EW.)

"Why don't we toss Sam off a cliff during a storm and see what happens?"

"'S been done." Jacob and Edward said as one.

"Why not ice cream?" Jacob suggested.

"I don't know, Jake. Billy told me not to give you too much sugar when he gave you to me. If you don't listen to me, he said I should put you in your cage and spray you with a water bottle," Bella said.

"I don't remember being sold to you…"

"Billy bought you at Puppy Country, and then he sent you to me to take care of for a week."

"I'm his SON. Why would he buy me at a pet shop?"

"Because he's not your father!" an ominous British voice rang throughout the mall. "I AM!"

Our heroes and readers all turned to see….GASP! Sirius Black followed by Remus Lupin (Who both somehow rose from the dead) walking straight toward them!

HOW DRAMATIC!

"Not really…" a reader chimed in. They all turned to see…GASP! Chi Cullen (That's what you get for reviewing all the time) followed by Steven Strait, Kristen Stewart, and Gaspard Ulliel!

How un-dramatic!

"Not really!" Gaaragirl2020 and AmericaClipson and a bunch of other reviewers called from behind their computer screens.

**Ringo:** Shut up! We need to finish the chapter!

"I just wanted ice cream! I didn't mean to call upon the forces of fanfiction!"

"Once you have called upon them, they cannot be stopped!" Gaspard Ulliel said, and then pulled out a sword.

"What are you going to do?" Hissed Alter Eggo, who, along with the rest of the reviewers, grew red eyes, fangs, and extremely long nails.

"I must slay you!"

"DON'T!" Yelled Kristen.

"Stand back, Kristen. It is his destiny," Steven said in an ominous voice.

All of a sudden, The HOMBRE-LOBO appeared out of nowhere! (Gasp! I was wrong! He does have something to do with the chapter! Cookies for me!)

"Do not fear, Senoritas! I am…EL HOMBRE-LOBO!"

"The man-wolf?" Bella asked curiously.

"Been there, done that…" Jacob dismissed, doing the sort of hand motion gay people (not that there's anything WRONG with them) do when dismissing something that consists of bending the arm and putting the hand straight up, then snapping in down quickly, making the fingers spread in a fashionable way.

"B-But…I am cursed by my family's heritage. I am the true leader of my people, but did not—"

"Like I said, 'Been there, done that.'"

"But how?"

"I R W3R3WULPH. RAWR." Jacob said.

"Oh…I guess I'll just…leave then..."And with that, the Hombre-lobo left, sullen and downtrodden and out of sorts.

"Well, it seems I must go," Remus said. Then, he and Sirius left.

"Yeah, us, too. We got reviews to do," The Reviewers hissed, sighing, and then turned into bats and flew away.

"And we got filming to do. See you guys in Hollywood!" And then the three actors left, leaving Jacob, Bella, Edward, and more than just a few puzzled mall-goers—but they soon scurried off.

"What now?"

"I dunno…Wanna go kill Lauren Mallory?"

"SURE!"

And with that, the mall was empty.

That was…besides a minuscule rodent who scampered onto the scene.

"Master…I have found them."

[Insert change in scenery. We are now in a dark chamber with a throne. A man sat in the throne

"Good…GOOD….HAHA! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

…**.TO BE CONTINUED….**

Hey, guys! How'd you like it?! You ALL made cameos! Can you believe it! You guys are from now on known as "The Reviewers," a name play on the novel "The Revealers," about the three children who are Revealers. It's about bullying, and it's probably the gayest book I half-way read.


	7. Chapter 7

Hey Guys! It's an author note chappy! I know no one likes these, but, PLEASE READ IT! It has info about NEW CHAPTERS!

Okay, guys, since you have read this far you get…A BRAND-NEW SHINY CHAPTER! YAY!!! And not just for this story, but all my stories! (I'm posting this in every story)

Expect new chapters in THIS order:

Solar Flare (It's begging to be updated. SORRY! Dx)

I Love You More Than You Know (Yes. It's STILL alive)

Wild West: Twilight Version (You meet a new character maybe! Maybe…)

Zippidy Do Da (Lighten up your fan fiction adventure. Songfics!)

Bella in Wonderland (What happens next? The world may never know.)

That Which Even The Blind Can See (Sky High! Yes, I'm still written fics for it!)

Mirror, Murder, Mask, Venice (Yes. Halloween passed. I know.)

Insert Spiffy Parody Title HERE (You guys just got a new chapter! BE PATIENT!)

Yes, that takes care of that. Now, if anyone has any ideas on_ GOOD_ JxB fics-Good being the operative word-please inform me. And if anyone knows if chapter 4 for "Things to Do to Jacob While He's Sleeping" is going to exist, please inform me. I love that fic! It's hysterical JxB randomness, and I highly recommend it, especially to all those who LOVED ch.14 of Eclipse, Yum.

Lastly: POETRY. I saw something on the news the other day about a man who murdered his child because he was drunk and it reminded me of a poem by Misty Nicole Ramsey.

**Misty**

My name is Misty  
I am but three  
My eyes are swollen  
I cannot see.

I must be stupid  
I must be bad  
What else could have made  
my daddy so mad

I wish I were better  
I wish I weren't ugly  
Then maybe my mommy  
would still want to hug me

I can't speak at all  
I can't do a wrong  
Or else I'm locked up  
All the day long.

When I am awake  
I am all alone  
The house is dark  
My folks aren't home

When my mommy does come  
i'll try to be nice  
So maybe I'll just get  
One whipping tonight

Don't make a sound!  
I just heard a car  
My daddy is back  
From Charlie's bar.

I hear him curse  
My name he calls  
I press myself  
Against the walls

I try to hide  
From his evil eyes  
I'm so afraid now  
I start to cry

He finds me weeping  
He shouts ugly words  
He says it's my fault  
He suffers at work

He slaps me and hits me  
And yells at me more  
I finally break free  
And run for the door

He's already locked it  
And I start to bawl  
He takes me and throws me  
Against the hard wall

I fall to the floor  
With my bones nearly broken  
And my daddy continues  
With more bad words spoken.

"I'm sorry!" I scream  
But it's now far too late  
His face has been turned  
Into an unimaginable hate

The hurt and the pain  
Again and again  
Oh please god have mercy  
Oh please let it end!

And he finally stops..  
And heads for the door  
While i lay there motionless  
Sprawled on the floor

My name is misty  
I am but three  
Tonight my daddy  
Murdered me...

Depressing, right? It happens everyday. My classmate (and worst person I know) brought it to Literature class to read aloud during Oral Interpretation. It brought our teacher and half the class to tears. It was longer, the one she read, and it just got sadder with each passing line.

Well, that's all. And don't worry, I'm posting this in all my stories.


	8. Ringo or the OTHER narrator?

**Authors Note: **I don't like this whole ORGANIZING thing. Dx I've been itching to write here. Well, mostly cause I need to VENT. I need to vent like _never before_!!! Well, I needed to vent a while ago, but I accidentally DELETED my venting so…I'll just re-vent…I mean re-type everything.

Well. Let's start here, shall we? I was browsing the ol' fanfiction archive when I stumbled upon something that caught my eye. Upon reading the summary of the story, I swear. I wanted to stab myself. All I could think was "Who the hell wrote this?!?!" Well, seeing as how I deleted the original rant I have lost the name of the fic and the author. Along with the summary. Lucky for them, otherwise they would have been subject to complete and total murder. I'm serious. Okay, basically, it was a quote from the fanfiction itself. It was like, Jacob brutally abusing Bella. Just, dude. DOES THE AUTHOR EVEN HAVE ANY…THOUGHT PROCESS?!?! I mean, COME ON!! What the hell? "I will break you." Hmm, geeze. That's a quote from that Disney movie, right? Spirit: Stallion of the Simeron. That's what it's called, I think. Another story, "The Day Crazed Fangirls Tortured Killed Lauren Mallory/Mike Newton/Jacob Black." Dude, WTH. I LIKE THOSE CHARACTERS. I demand to know what they did wrong. Well, Lauren Mallory, I understand. But, well, why bother? Okay, just to tick that person off, I should write "The Day Crazed Fangirls Tortured and Killed Edward Cullen." I want to kill him; I just have enough decency and common sense NOT TO. (Yes, I have met others who agree with me." Oh, yeah, if I do, I will use a slash in the title. And if the slash doesn't work the first time, I will try something else, like, maybe, using the word "and" so I don't seem like an illiterate idiot. **VampiressE12B**, try not to make me want to punch you anymore. Someone, tell her ichigoxringo doesn't appreciate her fangirl fics fillin' up the archive and that she should probably move on to something interesting, funny, and enjoyable to everyone. INCLUDING Jacob lovers such as myself and everyone who reads my fanfics and others as well. Oh, and that I really have nothing against her, personally. Oh, I was reading her profile, guess what I saw: A rant that went like **DEPRESSION: the great depression. Why did it happen?? because people were too stupid to remember that their money was made out of paper and they should just go print some more!**

Well, actually, little miss I-know-everything, the Great Depression was one of the worst economic depressions in all of history. We're currently going through a recession right now, however, it's not as bad as a depression. During the Great Depression, money was not a shortage. Of course people could always print more, but that wasn't the case. It was that because the dollar was SO WEAK, no matter how much they printed, people could never afford ANYTHING. The dollar bill was so low in value. Not only that, but there was also the stock market crash. That's when the stock market, where people invest into stocks, or shares of business, crashes. Everyone lost every cent. Not a penny to their name was left. They had to sell everything. Even their homes. Many people died due to mal-nutrition and other things. Printing more money wasn't going to help at all. Why don't you crack open a book, like, maybe, the Grapes of Wrath? Or perhaps a history textbook. AND JUST BECAUSE YOU LOVE EDWARD AND DESPISE JACOB DOESN'T MEAN EVERYONE DOES!!! I find your Jacob bashing offensive. And I'm tired of being offended by every other person who reads Twilight and comes in contact with me! Even my best friends! It's enough to make me cry!

Wow, today's rant was one page long.

Well, that's the history class for today. Now onto the fic.

"I can't believe what just happened. I mean, first we called upon the forces of fanfiction, then Reviewers entered fictional worlds, then there was some creepy guy in a throne. Top it all off with the last chapter, which had no relevance to anything!!!" Jacob shouted. Perhaps he needs to vent? No, no that would be to boring. Angsty Jake is lovely. Perhaps he'll brutally abuse someone else and then imprint like in every other Jacob fanfiction. And then Edward will leave for the umpteenth time.

No seriously.

Then I'll shoot myself.

"Jacob, Ringo must have had her reasons. After all, to us, she is like God or something. She controls our every move and watches us at all times." This authoress had been sitting contently, clutching her Pandapple notebook, in the security room. The security cameras were projecting every move the poor characters made onto the many TVs in the wall. When Bella said her statement, however, she spat out the Sprite she had been drinking into the face of Alexander Sterling. (Who would appear in fanfiction of mine, however, there is no Vampire Kisses fanfiction archive. Waah!! I wanna write JaggerxRaven stories!!!) He merely wiped his face with a towel and skulked away. Jagger skipped merrily behind him. (Because Jagger just seems like the type to sip merrily. As does Claude from the manga series. However, I will stop bothering you with characters you have probably never heard of.)

Ringo grabbed the microphone and shouted "What the hell! You guys aren't supposed to know I exist! I'm supposed to be 'inconspicuous'!"

Jacob sighed.

"Too late, sweetie. You made your existence known many moons ago."

"Well, then, since I am the Alpha and the Omega in the fic, I erase your memories!"

And then light flashed. Everyone blinked away the black splotches in their vision and looked around in confusion.

"What just happened?"

"Where are we?"

"Why do I feel like I'm being watched?"

"Is this a fanfiction?"

"NO!" Shouted the authoress.

"Wow as that?" Edward asked.

"Uh…The King of the Oblivious," came the authoresses omnipotent response. Omnipotent because everyone knows you do not mess with the obvious or the oblivious or anyone in charge of the two. It'd throw of the balance of nature.

Now that all was in order and the characters were clueless, unsuspecting, and subject to manipulation once more, Ringo could relax. She quickly scurried to her computer, clicked Gaiaonline (Typed her username, Cheshire.Chick), and asked people for gold to buy stuff, and then returned, wondering to herself, "Why am I writing this in third person?"

Instead of going to the security room, she decided to hide behind a plant in the mall and follow her pawns incognito. Besides, the security guard she knocked out would probably be waking up right about now. Did she need all that trouble? No, she didn't. Might as well save herself from a long, verbose, and futile explanation and follow that up by knocking the guard out AGAIN. No. Luckily she remembered to wear her ninja pajamas. Besides, it's funner to ninja than to watch safely from a little, poorly air-conditioned room she's been in millions of times before because she and her friends tend to get into to much trouble just 'cause they enjoy humming "Mission Impossible" and darting around suspiciously.

"Bella, could you please take the leash off from around my neck?" _Ew, leashes_, Ringo thought. She remembers how, in the late 90's mothers would put their children on leashes when they went to the mall. Ringo's was yellow. It was rather bothersome.

"No!" the brunette responded. "Billy's payin' me ten bucks an hour to make sure you don't run off."  
"But this is embarrassing!"

"It's not like anyone's here, anyway. Everyone left when the reviewers came," Edward said, coolly.

"Not everyone. We're still here," Jacob whined.

"And so is that crazy ninja chick following us. She's behind the ninja-eating plant."

"Gah!" Ringo choked out. It wasn't that she was surprised that Bella knew she was here. She knew she was no ninja. It was that the ninja-eating plant mistook her for an actual ninja and was now chomping contently on her arm. Ringo ripped her arm from the plant and pointed to the characters.

"You got me this time. Next time you won't be so lucky!!!" and with that, Ringo ran away.

"I'm not running away! I'm regrouping."

Little did Ringo know, she was being watched by the actual narrator. Ringo, Bella, Jake, Edward, and every other Twilight character were in grave danger.

[Insert change in scenery. We're now in the same dark chamber with the same man sitting in the same thrown. The little rat sat contently at his feet.

"You have no idea what you're dealing with…BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Ooooh, suspense!!! How j00 leik et?

Soz i hurd u leik mudkipz. Did i heer rite?


	9. Cockroaches, Toe Socks, and CHATSPEAK

And then the characters all died.

The end.

…

……

………

What?

No, seriously.

They did.

Just like SPLAT.

…

Okay, fine. They didn't.

Unfortunately, the cockroach in the corner that nobody pays any attention to did. I mean, a fucking insect can survive a _nuclear apocalypse_ and can live for 6 weeks without its own head dies just because Jacob Black accidentally stepped on it.

_Nice._

"Eww," Jake said after feeling something gooey on his foot. He looked at his heel. "Dead cockroach."

"Omigawd, Jacob. That's absolutely disgusting. I mean, it's not like they're much to look at _alive_, much less dead."

"SRSLY," Edward said.

"Calm down, Bella. What? Did you think I'd take it home and keep it as a pet?"

"SRSLY," Edward repeated.

"Edward? Is that all you can say?" Bella inquired.

Edward looked from Bella to Jake, then to Ringo, back to Bella, once more to Jake, Bella again, Ringo once more, the ninja-eating plant, and then to his toe sock, which looked back.

"IDK, MY BFF JILL?"

Edwards toe sock cried itself to sleep at this snarky comment.

"Dude. Suicidal toe socks?" Jacob asked, noting the numerous holes in the cloth of the sock. Edward shook his head.

"No, I eat them."

The two looked at him incredulously.

"What?" he asked. "It helps cure insomnia…"


	10. Crayons Could Melt on Us for All I Care

I just wasted ten seconds of your life.


	11. In which rat is compelled to seek us out

A/N: I'll Mary-Sue bash next time. Because we haven't Mary-Sue bashed yet.

DISCLAIMER:…I do not own Rollo Weeks. But I wish I owned his pants. (Don't know who he is? IMDb him, he was Rudolph, the vampire, in the Disney TV movie "The Little Vampire." He was also Scipio, the Thief Lord, in the 2006 film "The Thief Lord" based on the book by Cornelia Funke. IMDb him anyway…Or Google image search.)

"Dude, nobody cares about the digestive process of a vampire and how the cotton in socks helps cure starvation," Jacob said.

"Yes," Bella agreed, "it is high time we get back to the plot."

"Okay," replied the vampire sullenly.

* * *

"Bring them to me!" commanded the ominous voice. The rat nodded and scurried away.

It weaved its way through city streets and underground sewers, Desperate Housewives and GrEEk.

It wasn't sure exactly how it ended up there, but it was now standing on Lady Liberty's feet.

On and on it scurried, for hours and hours day and night, 'till finally it wound up in eating porridge that was just right.

It looked and it sniffed and looked some more, and now it was at Babies Galore.

He ran through the plateaus of legendary Rascal Flats—Okay! WE GET IT. HE RAN A LOT. WE DO NOT NEED A SING-A-LONG VERSION OF HIS TRAVELS!

-Terminate sing-a-long text and follow-along bouncy ball here, please.-

Le rat was now standing in front of the Mall of Forks.

The rat squeaked "Murphy was right; 'the city you're looking for is always located in the most inconvenient places on the map, right on the edge or on/right next to a fold.'"

He scurried into the mall.

-Insert cheesy animal-into-human transformation sequence that conveniently takes place behind plants so that onlookers and passerby do not notice the generally handsome man appear from nowhere. Not that anyway was there to witness said act.-

Rollo Weeks calmly strolled towards the antagonists/morons--I mean...gallant heroes/geniuses of this story. Mike's ghosts stared longingly and lustfully at the handsome lord of thieves/cute little vampire named after a reindeer with some sort of brilliant red tumor in his nose.

"I love you," he mouthed with gusto. Rollo either didn't notice or didn't really care.

"Hello," he said sweetly to Bella, his voice slightly accented. "My name is Rollo. Rollo Weeks." He kissed Bella's hand. Bella nearly turned to a puddle on the floor.

"H-hello," she spat out.

"Wow, you _are_ beautiful. Master doesn't lie. Well…actually, he does, being an evil overlord and all…but he definitely wasn't lying about you."

Bella snorted, her ugly braces showing and he giant thick-rimmed glasses nearly fell off the bridge of her nose. She tugged at her hot pink, knee-length shirt in which her nerdy white blouse was tucked in. Her foot popped.

And not like how they say in movies where it just goes up out of love or any -ABC family censor- like that. (Oh, yeah. We _so_ brought them back. And not just old fashioned boring Disney censor. We got the shnazzy ABC "we change bad words into good ones smiley face" that cost a heck of a lot more. How cool are we?) He foot literally popped.

Like **POP!**

Edward and Jacob scrambled to pick up the fleshy mess, but Bella and Rollo just stared at each other longingly.

"That bastard author-ess, giving us even more competition. A vampire/thief lord, no less!" Jacob hissed at Edward.

"I feel your pain, bro." Edward nodded solemnly, and then pulled something out of his pocket. "Sock?" he offered.

"Uh…"

"They relieve stress," Edward sang.

"No thank you," Jacob said. "They might make me ejaculate ice cubes like you do." Edward shrugged. "Suit yourself."


	12. Breaking Dawn Parodyyyyyy

Authors Note (Vampire Kisses, Indi Jones, and a special funny thing

**Authors Note (Vampire Kisses, Indi Jones, and a special funny thing.): **Well. Nothing interesting has happened, other than the fact that I'll be starting high school in the fall. Expect frequent chapter updates of my stories. / Other then that; 10,000 B.C. fucking rocked (Steven Strait, woo!). Indiana Jones was pretty awesome, too. Uh, I have no intentions to finish the Host, because I swear, that book is impossible. And Vampire Kisses 5 will come out June 24 (And they even started writing the script for the Vampire Kisses movie!) Lots of updates on the Twilight film, of course. Um, I'm taking art class during the summer. My dad just got back from London, and this is the special funny thing he saw: on Saturday, June 14, 2008, London, England, about 500 cyclists rode down Hyde Park during the Queen's birthday parade. The funny thing is all of the cyclists were naked. ("Every year, in cities around the world, people will be riding naked to celebrate cycling and the human body. The ride demonstrates the vulnerability of cyclists on the road and is a protest against oil dependency.")

Also, please check out: fiction x press x. x net x/x x ichigoxringo

Remove the first five x's and all the spaces.

PLEASE. AND LEAVE A REVIEW ON MY ONE STORY.

(Even if it's just the first chapter you read!!)

I can't fucking remember where we left off, so I'll start thing off with a sizzling "Breaking Dawn" parody.

(In chapter one, there's a part where Bella and Edward tell Charlie they've got some "Big News." Charlie, being one to jump the gun, shouts at Bella "YOU'RE PREGNANT!" They assure him she isn't. This is a parody of that.)

Bella and Edward stare Charlie down from across the small space in between their two seats. The two of them are smiling. Charlie glowers.

"Charlie," Edward says. "We have some big news…" He smiles wider. Charlie looks from Edward to Bella, then back to Edward, once more to Bella. Edward laughs at Charlie's thoughts. Charlie turns red with fury and shouts "YOU'RE PREGNANT!" to Bella. Bella sighs and says "Well, yes, but that's not the news. We were actually going to say we're getting married—"

"HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET PREGNANT?! EDWARD!" Bella rushes to Edward's protection. "No, Dad, no. It's not his baby." Charlie looks at his hoe-daughter. "It's Jake's baby." Charlie, confused, continues to look at her. "I thought he went missing?"

"Well, no. He's in Canada, actually. But that's not the point—See, me and Jake got kinda really drunk at this festival in Coney Island a few months ago and…well, that's what happened."

"YOU WHORE!" Edward shouts. "I KNEW YOU ONLY LIKED ME FOR MY ASS."

Charlie, not even caring about how much of a skank-face his daughter is, said "How the hell did you get to Coney Island?" Bella shrugged.

"Well, as long as it's Jake's baby."

"Yup." Bella and Charlie smiled some ditzy smiles as Edward grabbed his coat and hat and umbrella and cane and walked out the house, looking somewhat like Mr. Scrooge.

"Bah Humbug," Edward muttered.

Now, to the Story. If there is even a story, considering the lack of a decent plot. I mean, seriously. What's wrong with my brain? Or lack there of…

Blah. Blah Blah Blah. Blahblah blah blahlablah. BLAH! Blah blah blah…Blah.


	13. Orphan Ashley

Authors Note: Orphan Ashley asked this for chapter ten

Authors Note: Orphan Ashley asked this for chapter ten. Unfortunately, I wasted that chapter on Relient K, so I shall grant her wish with chapter THIRTEEN! OOOOH SPOOKY. "Can the next chapter have endless amounts of cheese in a can?" (Oh, and as for the person who asked what I was smoking and where to get some—It's a secret.)

Please regard this as a side-story. With lots of yummy EDWARD (you thought I was going to say Jake, huh?) for all the Edward fans I feel as though I've ignored these past few chapters. WOO! EDWARD! :D Cause he's not utterly terrible today! Please note: This chapter might get to X rated at the end what with all the cheese pr0n. I advised you to read this without the parentals nearby. Like, in a dark room or under your covers…

It was Friday. But not just any Friday (not that Friday's can be regarded as "just Friday"—I mean, come on; Friday's rock.) No. Today was Friday the thirteenth. And something strange happens on Friday the Thirteenth's. It's, like, a phenomenon.

Yayme2012 and Orphan Ashley looked at each as they lay, bored, on the marble floor of the fanfiction's review center and central hub. Ali and Roxxi (aka Lotte and Ella) were sitting in the uncomfortable plastic chairs provided by the facility, kicking their legs as they hummed some tune Roxxi made up. Ringo sat at her desk and typed like the wind, printed something, and sprinted into the publishing room. She had been doing this for a while now.

"I'M SO BORED," Yayme groaned. Orphan Ashley sighed. "Well, whaddaya wanna do? Once she finishes the chapter, then we can review and leave, but she's still coming up with the concept. Who's brilliant idea was it to come early?" Ali glared at Roxxi. Roxxi giggled.

Orphan Ashley sighed again. "Good thing I always carry this with me." She pulled out a can of cheese from her messenger bag.Yayme, Roxxi, and Ali all rushed over to Orphan Ashley and began fighting over the dairy product. It slipped out of her hands and went flying. It hit Ringo on the head and knocked her out, then bounced off her and got stuck under the desk. The girls, knowing that the chapter would now not be updated any time soon, freaked because they injured the authoress (AND HAVE THUS INCURED HER WRATH!!) and ran out of the building.

It's their fault I haven't updated recently. KILL THEM! D: (I tease, I tease.)

Edward and Bella walked into the fanfiction's center hand-in-hand as they often did, because Edward feared Bella was bound to hurt herself one of these fine days. Jacob was going to catch up later because he had a few things to take care of before he got there. (You know, things to see, you mothers to do…THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! ;D )

Edward looked around the room, searching for the abnormally tall 14-year-old. You would think someone 5'7'' wouldn't be that hard to find, but, apparently not. Finally, he looked behind her desk and saw her lying limp in her chair, jaw hung, tongue stuck out.

"Oh, my!" he exclaimed! Then, something shone in the sunlight underneath her desk. He picked it up, expecting a knife or gun of some sort. Instead he got cheese in a can. For some reason, he seemed drawn to it. Never before had he felt such a strong attraction human food of any sort, let alone calorie and fat-packed dairy products in a cylinder made for spraying in long silly streams.

"The murder weapon…" Bella said as she examined the can. She tried to touch it, but Edward jerked it away. "MINE!" he hissed. He ran away.

"EDWARD! You no-good, filthy, rotten, cheese-hogging fiancé! I thought _I_ was the only cheese product you could ever love!" Bella began tearing. Soon, she couldn't stand it, so she fell to her knees and wept. Her entire love had all been one pretty-word-filled LIE! D:

Edward locked himself in a janitor's closet and fondled the cheese in the dark, his eyes glowing a cheese-ish-orange color. Finally, he was alone with the love of his life. Cheese, glorious cheese! He slowly and seductively moved his hands upward to the head and placed his pointer finger on the nozzle. "Oh, you naughty girl, you!" he whispered. "You want me to press you? Do you?"

He lightly pressed the small button, so as not to break the beauty. It hissed and squirted out a small string of cheese. "What a cute sound; the sound of a little virgin." He pressed it a again. Longer, harder this time. Again, it made the same squeaky sound and shot out the same substance. Again and again rougher, harder, Edward kept pressing the cheese nozzle, faster and faster, until the entire room was covered in, well…cheese. He pressed it again. It wheezed, but no cheese came out. It was everywhere, except the can. Even he was covered in cheese.

Someone bust open the door now. It was someone Edward had never seen before and she had a sobbing Bella in tow. "Give me back my cheese in a can, Edward" Orphan Ashley shouted, for she loved the can more than our poor hero. Edward held up the cheese to say good-bye, but she swiped it from his grimy hands before he had the chance. Orphan Ashley was about to walk away before she stopped and said "Oh, yeah, here's your girlfriend" and then walked away, in a daze, because her cheese was just so distractingly beautiful. She slammed into a pole on her way out.

Just then, Ringo came to life and adjusted her glasses as her mind adjusted and cleared away the fog that was confusion. After a while realization dawned on her. "I HAVE A CHAPTER TO FINISH!" She ran into the publishing room, fast as lightning.

Bella: Well. I guess she wasn't dead after all.

Edward: My cheese! D:

Jake: I wasn't in this chappie. :

Ringo: OwO;; I'm…not getting fired, am I?

SadlyObsessed: five-second Cameo, woo! O


End file.
